A dirty paintbrush into my lemonade ~ a poem

I love you
But I’m scared of what you’d make me into
I’m like clay
Muddy, upside down, slippery, undone.
Carve me.
I was a thousand things before I met you
Each time I thought that I’d found myself
But I’m one messy heck of a person
My head is a rose garden
Thorns, prickles, whatever they’re called
It hurts from time to time
But I’m sure you wouldn’t mind
I suppose it’s fine to be upside down and tongue tied.
But then
You.
A dirty paintbrush into my lemonade.
I worry about things like that
You tangling me up and unravelling me again
What a mess we’d make but I think we’d be smiling.
Paintbrush, lemonade, dirty.
You.

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Dirty dirty flowers- a poem

I love showers in the morning
I love being too cold and then too hot again
Watching the silver dirt run down the plughole
Running off my cheeks, lips and neck
Washing it all away
Washing the dirt out of my hair
Washing all the dirty dirty flowers out of my hair
Tangled ivy stripped off my scalp by the chemicals and water
I’m uprooting and I’m regrowing and I’m drowning
All of my dirty dirty flowers.
Clean again.

Happy Halloween (a poem on mental health)

*trigger warning*

 

This house is haunted.

There are doors that slam in the night and

I feel cold hands slip into mine

from time to time

This house is cold and

I am followed by a ghost that

Makes me shed my skin from now and again

But it is far from dead

It is alive and screaming in the evenings

An unhappy family is a noisy one.

This body is haunted

No need for a costume

I have a wardrobe full of masks and capes and witches hats

To keep me warm on a cold night

Footsteps run from the back of my head to my eyeballs

And voices loud enough to make me shake

My body feels like a skeleton on bad days

My body is a skeleton some months

My mind is haunted

My brain a living nightmare playing over and over and over

And there is no running away from a mind you can’t escape

There are no nightlights in my head to keep the monsters away

Even on days where the only sound I know is

the beating of my heart on the inside of my skull

But I am not scared of monsters

You learn to steady the tremble

And sit through the jump scares

And wait for the morning

 

 

 

 

A Penny- a poem

~Living in a household of abuse and shouting almost constantly is no way to live~

A shout (a low voice)
A shout (a higher one)
A shout
Is all it takes for me
To become the size of a penny
And for the roof to come crashing down
A little penny
Rolling between his fingertips
Rolling down the stairs
Chased by a cat with moons in her eyes
Cold and metallic
Like blood in my mouth
Rolling with my thighs and feet up in the air
A penny
Inside a piggy bank
With no plug to pull
And I will roll away

 

 

When it rains I feel better 

When it rains I feel better

Tears streaming down window pains 

Someone to cry with 

My face turned up to the clouds, mouth open,

Gulping rainwater until I have to stop for breath 

A tummy full of clouds almost kicks the feeling out of me

The feeling of things I should have done and have yet to do

Drunk 

Sticky sweet taste in my mouth that stops me from speaking 

It’s breathtaking 
Someone to cry with 

Wallpaper- a poem on mental illness

I wear my hurt on my body like wallpaper
Florals, textures and stripes
Inked and stuck down on skin.

Patterns I wonder if they are out of date
Trimmed and unfitting the wallpaper covers me
(It’s hard to breathe under a mask)

Eyes judging my beautiful tiger stripes
Cover your childrens eyes
Hope that one day they become humans instead of plasterboard.

 

~Emma