Emotional abuse: my experience, the signs

~in which I share my own experience of emotional abuse through signs that I noticed on reflection of my childhood~

  • Being ignored, unsure of what I have done to deserve this, for extended periods of time, meanwhile parental roles were neglected. Often Y was left to look after me while X refused to acknowledge my existence, even while I was very young. 
  • Fear and anxiety when X is talking to me or nearby, I find myself wanting to keep any contact to a minimum. 
  • Discomfort and unease with any phsycial contact. 
  • X was often found to be reading my diary or searching my bedroom while I was not there- this was a strong breach of my privacy. X often looks through my bin. 
  • X often would control how much money I spent and what I spent my money on. Y was often not allowed to spend money unless it was approved by X. 
  • X controls and decides for me some of my major life decisions, such as what options I was taking for a level and what degree I would like to take at uni. 
  • Y feeling like she wants to escape the partnership, yet feeling powerless to do so. 
  • X often expresses anger undirectly through sarcasm, slamming of dishes and talking down to Y and I. 

    Stay strong,

    Emma.

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    Manic. 

    I feel like I am falling in love, over and over again, every minute. I am submerged beneath waves of happiness that I can quite literally feel flowing over my body. I am perspiring and shaking. And although I am in blissful beautiful Euphoria, it’s agonising, painful, uncomfortable and frightening. 

    Being at such extremes of mood means feeling out of control and spiralling. I’m not sure I’m in control of my limbs or speech. Things come as bursts or explosions rather than flows of water in streams. These rushes of speech can have consequences but when your manic: actions have no consequences. 

    Time to stay up till 4 in the morning, I guess. 

    Dillydaffs

    I don’t know what to do without you

    I don’t know what to say,

    I don’t know how to talk to anyone,

    Since you left last early May.
    The daffodils were barely yellow,

    The cornflowers barely blue,

    You used to step on flowers,

    But I know you’d love them too.
    They keep asking me about you, 

    Daffodils snapping at the stem, 

    You’ve left me with so many secrets,

    (I don’t know what to do with them). 
    Next spring I’ll plant these daffodils, 

    And they’ll grow so high, they’ll grow

    Tall enough for you to see them,

    Sunshine lighting every row.
    There’s so much I want to tell you, 

    But if you can hear this then I’ll say:

    I’ve kept our flowers blooming,

    Since you left last early May.

    September Rain

    To Josh- for summer 2016

     

    The rain is looping down outside my window,

    Summer doesn’t blind like it used to.

    It’s September already and

    My heart can’t believe it’s over so soon,

    I miss the thunder

    Desperate shouting in the incalesence

    And pearlised flashes in the navy skies

    A smile : August.

    Blurry eyes and edges melt,

    Like candles blown out,

    On overiced birthday cakes

    We’re getting colder somehow,

    We’re losing our way.

    Do you remember those magic spells?

    The July ones, where you cast me

    Round your beating focus,

    And I simply fell straight into you.

    Habits die hard but

    Each day I am forgetting;

    Losing out on remembering you.

    And each second I’m regretting

    Letting sunshine blind us both so blissfully

    That moment when August turned September,

    Was when we seemed to melt,

    (Like ice creams in warm hands).

    It’s sad because I’ve stopped missing you.

    And I’ve let the rain wash out,

    Any taste of sun cream kisses

    And glowing memories of you.

    Because September’s fading fast,

    And we don’t talk like we used to.