What you love- death by poetry 

Die by what you love 

I will choke on words

Swallowing poetry raw 

I will go with

Sonnets in my mouth

And elegies in my hair 

No blood on my hands 

Just rhyme on my tongue 

And verse in my bloodstream 

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Dillydaffs

I don’t know what to do without you

I don’t know what to say,

I don’t know how to talk to anyone,

Since you left last early May.
The daffodils were barely yellow,

The cornflowers barely blue,

You used to step on flowers,

But I know you’d love them too.
They keep asking me about you, 

Daffodils snapping at the stem, 

You’ve left me with so many secrets,

(I don’t know what to do with them). 
Next spring I’ll plant these daffodils, 

And they’ll grow so high, they’ll grow

Tall enough for you to see them,

Sunshine lighting every row.
There’s so much I want to tell you, 

But if you can hear this then I’ll say:

I’ve kept our flowers blooming,

Since you left last early May.

September Rain

To Josh- for summer 2016

 

The rain is looping down outside my window,

Summer doesn’t blind like it used to.

It’s September already and

My heart can’t believe it’s over so soon,

I miss the thunder

Desperate shouting in the incalesence

And pearlised flashes in the navy skies

A smile : August.

Blurry eyes and edges melt,

Like candles blown out,

On overiced birthday cakes

We’re getting colder somehow,

We’re losing our way.

Do you remember those magic spells?

The July ones, where you cast me

Round your beating focus,

And I simply fell straight into you.

Habits die hard but

Each day I am forgetting;

Losing out on remembering you.

And each second I’m regretting

Letting sunshine blind us both so blissfully

That moment when August turned September,

Was when we seemed to melt,

(Like ice creams in warm hands).

It’s sad because I’ve stopped missing you.

And I’ve let the rain wash out,

Any taste of sun cream kisses

And glowing memories of you.

Because September’s fading fast,

And we don’t talk like we used to.

Gender: Yellow Flower (a poem on gender)

Yellow :

The colour of my wallpaper as a child

Ambiguity specific to non conformity

The colour my parents chose for me

Months before Emma was the name that rolled out of mouths when they saw me

What a beautiful name for such a sweet little girl

You start to feel confused when you relate to the word ‘flower’ more than ‘girl’

And so comfortable in a dress

Yet so alien in ‘please select your gender and quickly’.

How can such a beautiful girl

turn out with hips shaped like the curve of the earth

and question marks in her eyes.

A yellow flower who can be grown in gardens

and bloom in the springtime.

For now I wrap myself in a cocoon of yellow wallpaper

And it seems to fit so perfectly

for a flower who’s edges are a little too

blurred.

 

 

 

 

 

Things people have said when I told them I have an Eating Disorder.

The bad:

  1. You’re not even fat
  2. If you were my daughter I would make sure you ate
  3. Oh you’re not one of those are you?
  4. You don’t look anorexic
  5. Why?
  6. That’s a silly thing for such an intelligent girl to have
  7. Just eat
  8. Oh I used to diet too
  9. But I’ve seen you eat…
  10. So you’re vegan then?
  11. You’re ruining my life
  12. Selfish little girl

The good:

  1. That explains alot, thank you for telling me
  2. I love you and we will get through this together
  3. You’re weight doesn’t define you
  4. I’ll be with you every step of the way
  5. If you choose recovery I will have your back forever
  6. I know you’ll beat this, you’re a fighter
  7. Some day this will make you stronger even though you are feeling weak right now
  8. This doesn’t change how much I love you
  9. I don’t understand it, but I’m still here for you